Friday, December 28, 2012

Little Miracles

I've been a little vacant from our blog, as organizing my thoughts lately has been similar to attempting to clean the house with your children at home.

Lot's has gone on in the cancer world, as it is something that we will forever be a part of now. Being part of this special cancer community is most certainly a blessing...but it is also a curse. A blessing in that we have met so many wonderful, strong parents and children and we get to be a part of their battles along with our own. A curse in that the pain does not go away from losing your own child, like a dagger that will remain in your heart forever and with each day that passes the pain numbs a bit.

And then when another child is diagnosed, or someone in your cancer community recieves bad news -- that dagger gets a little deeper again.

Only moments after Wesson had left us, his transplant physician at St. Jude who we had become close with and loved very much said to us "you and Logan will now forever carry around with you a special kind of pain, but it will not always be a bad pain....just a very special kind".

So Logan and I have chosen to hang on to this pain, and allow it to become part of us -- because like our wonderful physician said it will not always be bad. And honestly some days it is not. Some days it is even a beautiful pain that I am and always will be very thankful for. 

A kind of pain that allows you to go to sleep each night thankful for what we do have, and waking up each morning just happy to be alive. A kind of pain that allowed us to cherish the Christmas season and the time spent with family, because last years was spent fearing my child's life in the hospital...and next year's is uknown.

We will allow this special pain to be used for compassion and caring for others so that we can do our part to "pay it forward". God does not make mistakes, and he knew Wesson's life on Earth was temporary -- and he did it for the good of other people for that I am certain of.

I spent Wesson's entire journey begging God for a miracle, and what I never realized was that He had already given us one. Each day with him was a little miracle.

When Wesson was going through treatment, I would lay down at night -- or rather lay up as most of the time was spent in a less than comfortable rocking chair or sleeping with my sweet boy in my arms so that I knew when the nurses were touching him...

....and pray for him until I fell asleep with the words still on my lips. I would wake up to Logan softly singing to him, a pump beeping, or a nurse checking vitals in the middle of the night and realize I did not get to finish. And so I would begin to pray again.

I do find myself falling asleep in prayer once again for the children and their families that are still fighting, or have also lost a loved one. The list gets longer everyday...and I do mean every single day. Nobody should have to go through this.

The anguish that cancer can cause is truly unexplainable.

Everytime I turn around I find out that cancer has found another child to parasite on. Or a close family's child has relapsed, is on the ventilator, has caught an infection.... or is going home for hospice.

Cancer can be beautiful. But it can also be very ugly.

And this is not okay.

So we will fight.

The Wesson Littau Foundation is continuing to make progress, albeit slower than I would like. All good things do come to those who wait; however and I know that God is taking his time blessing it, and working things out in His own time.

We have recieved a few donations, which I am so thrilled about, and grateful for as well. Family, friends, and community who have already given so much to us -- and want to give more and help our foundation prosper so that we can fuel the funds at St. Jude Children's and other research hospitals that want to change the future of children fighting cancer.

You all are so amazing.

We do have our official logos for the foundation, which I am excited to share -- although I will wait until the website production is finished. We are so very thankful for the time and effort that was spent and grateful for the talented works that were all sent to us. We really did love them all.

There were a couple that caught our eyes specifically, and we knew they were the perfect image of Wesson and his beautiful innocence and couragous battle. Thank you to Shelly Heath and Rebecca Jaton for your time and efforts -- and  for working with us to create the perfect images for our sweet boy and the foundation.

And as for sweet sweet thing you.

He continues to show up in places, things and songs. Like a reminder that he is everywhere now. I cannot wait to share some of these beautiful moments, but I will save them for the book that I hope to write. They are too precious and wonderful to be placed on a website.

Until then, we continue to move forward with the foundation, pray for sweet dreams of Wesson and that he continues to bless us with his presence when our eyes are open to it.

We also pray for sweet Matthew, Phoebe, Hunter, Cole and many others. You are all in our prayers and stamped in our hearts all of the time.

Logan and I will be selling Wings for Wesson pins and "In Memory of Wesson" wristbands. Profits to go to St. Jude through our St. Jude Heroes endurance event that will take place next April in Nashville, TN.

The wristbands are very fun with different colors and sizes. Please feel free to message me on facebook if you are interested.

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