Wednesday, October 10, 2012

A New Journey and a Will to Win

Well, Wesson's long and treacherous journey is now over. His Celebration of Life Service has come and gone....and we are now left with the pieces of our hearts (and lives) scattered all around.

So where do we go from here?

A question Logan and I had asked ourselves a long time ago, as we had feared and prepared ourselves for what may come of Wesson's future.

I cannot yet describe or write in words the pain that follows the death of a child. It's scary and confusing and deeply personal. Something I wish not to place in the hearts of those who have been blessed not to experience it. Maybe someday I will be ready to write about it, but for now Logan and I will keep this part of our journey to ourselves.

We have been contacted by several parents who have, like us, experienced the death of a child and for those of you who have contacted us...first of all God be with you and I am so sorry you too feel the suffering that we do. And for another, thank you for contacting us. Misery loves company, and I do not mean to be hostile or wish any hurt upon others...but there is comfort in knowing that we are not alone.

Many have made recommendations for continuing to write about Wesson's journey, as our caringbridge page has officially come to a close. We will print out each and every one of those journal posts and guestbook entries, and that will become a book for Wesson and him alone. But that aspect of Wesson's journey is done.

And now a new one will begin.

Wesson will not be forgotten. That I can promise. And as a mother who sat in a chair for two months in the ICU watching my son fight for his life...with absolutely no power to stop what was happening. Only to be able to sing, and touch, and pray for my son. I am done sitting, waiting...and watching. The pain will never go away and Wesson will never come back.

And as I have said before -- this is not okay. And so as we struggle to put these pieces of our lives back in place, we are learning they do not fit as they did before. We are now set out to walk new paths, and we have Wesson to thank for this. We will do what we can to forever change the future of infants born with this near death sentence of a disease -- whether it means raising awareness or a certain amount of funding for research.

It will be done. Wesson, you have my word.

We were too helpless for too long, and as I reflect on this thought it makes me sick to my stomach. But now we can help, and where there is pain, we find strength and we will use it for good causes.

Writing has become a solace of mine, and a place to go when my thoughts are running through my head and about to be spewed out as word vomit. So, the decision has been made to continue Wesson's Will to Win blog in honor of him and his valiant battle. It will also be a place to keep friends, family, community and whoever else may find interest in this part of our journey -- to be updated on where we decide to go with the future of research for infantile leukemia.

Lots of ideas have been discussed between Logan and I, and our families who wish to be involved with the process. Nothing has been set in stone, but a book is probably in store. A fundraiser in honor of our sweet boy is also an idea....but similarily nothing has been initiated quite yet.

Once something becomes official, we will announce it here.

But for now, we are still finding the time to gather ourselves together and try to live without our sweet sweet boy. We do know that life will not and cannot go back to normal, and we will never be able to resume our daily lives as we did before Wesson blessed us with his presence. We have seen too much pain and suffering at the hands of innocent children to simply just go on...

I spent the entire morning opening up literally hundreds of Wesson's birthday cards from August, as we had no time to open them before. What an eye opener, and almost an emotionally distressing experience. The belief that was expressed in those birthday cards from friends, family, strangers and our loving community -- that Wesson could and WOULD conquer his battle was completely and uttlerly breathtaking. The prayers that must have been sent up during his graceful fight had to rock those heavens till the gates nearly fell down.

Thanks to all of you who sent a birthday card for sweet Wesson, with a $1 dollar bill attached. This money will be added to the memorial funds that will be sent to St. Jude Research Hospital. I am proud to announce that Wesson's birthday donations, along with what we have been able to open so far from his Celebration of Life Service has added up to well over $5,000 dollars!

Thanks to all of you who have stuck with us through this journey, and we hope you continue to support Wesson's legacy and our WILL to WIN against Infantile Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia.

This is only the beginning of what Wesson was sent here to accomplish. Through him we will continue to raise funds for research, until no more children have to suffer or pass because of this terrible disease.

So here's to a new journey in honor of our sweet, sweet angel above. We hope you choose to join us, and help when needed.

The blog will keep its name. Wesson's Will to Win cancer was accomplished, and although he passed...our Will to Win against the disease and the side effects that come of it will continue to live on.

So here goes....

"Go Sweet Baby Go" -- your valiant strength now lives on in us.


  1. Kristi, Your words have again brought me to tears. Tears for all you have been through, the great loss you feel and still your desire to help others. I don't know if I would be so gracious. I admire you more than you know. Wesson will never be forgotten. He, and your whole family have touched this community more than you know. God Bless you all. Jack and Starla

  2. Kristi, I can not imagine what your going through. My heart, prayers and tears have followed your sweet boys journey. I feel a great admiration for you wanting to battle this horrible disease to help others. Wesson will always be in our hearts. Your story and battle as a family has touched me so much. God Bless you and your family. Dorothy

  3. I just want you to know that i am so very sorry for every bit of pain you have experienced in this. I too have battled for my Son's life and understand the helplessness, the pain, and the difficulty in coping with each twist, turn, and news from the doctors. Even though he has made it (but is severely permanently disabled), Nothing is exactly the same anymore. This has taught me so much, yet I have a lot of work to do to return to feeling normal again. I cannot imagine what you must be feeling after this ordeal. Some people find how to help others through their experience because they really do get that someone who hasnt been there really doesnt understand the pain, the worry, the permanent effects, the sorrow, the isolation even when you have a spouse to walk through it with you. I have been in this unexplainable place of grief time and time again concerning my son.

    What i really want you to know: "normal" is possible again

    Write until you cant write anymore...let it all out

    Take advantage of grief counseling or a counseling group of people who have also been through it.

    Respect your need to be private about things, just know that eventually those things will need to be processed

    IRRT (image rescripting therapy) is an amazing tool for helping you deal with trauma.

    Our loved ones who have passed would not want us to suffer. They would want us to do just as you stated above in yoir blog. Remember them in love...raise awareness, help others through the same jourmey.

    I am so sorry for your loss. You are not alone, not forgotten. Never. It is the same with your son.